Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
