She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
