You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
