I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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