I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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