btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
