Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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