When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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