honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
