We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
