It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
