2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
