yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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