Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
