Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Randomize
