I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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