Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
