Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
