omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
