This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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