Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
