shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
