mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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