Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
zippers are such a cool invention
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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