he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
