I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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