saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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