Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
