If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
