Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
