i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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