btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
