I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
