I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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