my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
