i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
