hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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