I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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