My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I would ride that face into the sunset
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
