I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
