I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
