Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
