i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
