Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
