currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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