Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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