Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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