she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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