I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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