pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
