first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
