I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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