literally had 100 drinks last night.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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